01/12/09Come on then, optimists: right here, right now...A friend sent me an e-mail yesterday, recommending an ‘optimism workshop’ run by a mate of his; ‘could be another tough economic year, optimism training could be helpful‘… that sort of thing. It’s had the same effect on me as French exchange student Sebastien’s infamous critique of new blackcurrant flavour had on Ray Gardner, Spokesperson for Tango.  I’m ready to march. So, Johnny Optimist, come and get this… 1. Your central premise has a serious factual flaw I am not sure exactly how many human beings have come into existence since our race began, but it must now be at a level of statistical significance to satisfy even an IPA Effectiveness Awards judge. 2. Optimism is the enemy of world peace, not its deliverer Remember Dick Cheney promising Dubya that US troops would be greeted with flowers by cheering crowds of grateful Iraqis? 3. You could get Arsene Wenger sacked! Why should we be top of the league? I could go on, but I think I’ll stop here. No-one will be reading anyway… Back to top | Permalink | 4 commentsComments, Pingbacks:
Comment from: Paul 01/12/09 3:04pm
I'm expecting a white Christmas in 2009, a hot summer in 2010, economic recovery in 2011 and the fulfilment of a apocalyptic Mayan prophecy in 2012.
Comment from: janson 02/12/09 8:41am
I wonder what they actually do at the workshop though?
Stretches? Facial exercise? A bit of meditation then finish off with colonic irrigation?
Comment from: Richard 03/12/09 11:21am
OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: AGENDA
0900: insipid tea and horribly bitter coffee, served with out-of-date biscuits.
0930: half-hearted welcome
1000: Session 1 – "Bloody hell, 2009's been tough, hasn't it?" Everyone has a bit of a whine and exhales a lot.
1130: Break. Attendees are reminded that they may only smoke outside the training centre. It will be cold and raining very hard. There is no shelter.
1200: Session 2 – "Economic forecasts for 2010" – Guest speaker, Sir Martin Sorrell. In this session, we pump Sir Martin full of a cocktail of amphetamines and heroine so he fluctuates wildly between despair and excitement. You'll have absolutely no clue what shape the recession will be by the end of this.
1300: Lunch. Sandwiches will be served. Some will be soggy, some dry. All tasteless.
1400: Session 3 – "Understanding pessimism" video. 60 minutes of news footage from the world's most grisly disasters (drought, war, disease, earthquakes, tsunami etc) over the last 20 years, inter-cut with images of abused kittens.
1500: Session 4 – "Reality workshop" – group exercise.
Attendees are coached in quasi-Buddhist concentration techniques and then prompted to imagine their friends and family being butchered by masked dwarves.
1600: Session 5 – "Introduction to optimism" – interactive exercise. Having used the previous few hours to make attendees as depressed and pessimistic as possible, the Session Leader will create a "Optimism Drenching Moment" using audio visual techniques including video of when it was announced we'd won the 2012 Olympic bid, Freddie Flintoff posing like Jesus, clips from Mock The Week, Disco music and as much free alcohol as the attendees can get down their throats.
1730: Workshop ends. Everyone feels great. Until tomorrow.
Comment from: James 04/12/09 3:00pm
Some of us stay up 'til midnight to welcome the new year, some of us to make sure the old one leaves.
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